Sunshine and Sadness…

today I went for an 8 hr ride with my club

the sun was shining and I was thinking that
life’s pretty good inspite of it all

when we stop for lunch
one of the young guys makes a crack about
how I prolly can’t reach my toes
cos I’m so “obese”

I wanted to get in his face
and scream at him…
“do you think I chose to look like this?
do you think if I had a choice
I’d choose to not ever be able to buy offa the rack?
do you think I like not fittin in airplane seats?
do you think I choose to huff n puff tieing up my shoes?
do you think I like this?

this body that men and women both once longed for?
do you think that I like this?
or…
do you think at all?”

people just don’t get it
they think I’m this big cos I’m lazy
they have no idea the hours I spend yearning
for long walks
and eating fruit and veg
the hours spent planning for “when I’m well”
the things I have to give up to be able to go on rides
one fucking day a week

fuck’em
fuck’em all

then I get home and find a message
to call the Voice of Doom

“Sam’s dead” she says

she’s hurting bad
(and the champagne likely ain’t helping)
Jim’s a mess
Kelly’s a mess
even Digger is sad

Sam played a big role in our lives
if he hadn’t have believed in Do
when she and Digger split up
there’d never have been a sales agency
and Jim and I likely would be flippin burgers to this day

(my little voice says)
but you didn’t even like him
he was a racist, sexist pig
ya
he was
but he loved my family
and I guess
that says it all

So here’s one for Sam
who said
“no fuckin service and NO fuckin flowers”

here’s one for Sam
who knew he was dieing
so he walked out the front door of the hospital
and got on a city bus
rode it home
and died in his own bed
an hour later

props to the man who lived his life
his own way…

by all the gods
he was loved.

RIP
Sam Suche